Jack Horner
Jack Horner, also known as the Jack of Tales or popularly as the legendary Jack of Fables is a major character in the Fables comic book series and The Wolf Among Us video game adaptation. He is the Literal personification of all tricksters in fiction. The character is based on various nursery rhymes and fables with characters named Jack including Little Jack Horner, Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Jack Be Nimble, Jack Frost, Jack O'Lantern, and Jack the Giant Killer and others As a con artist, he is always looking for quick ways to make a buck. However, Jack also displays a complete disregard for human life or the feelings of those around him, traits most often seen in those with sociopathy. Despite his scheming and reckless personality, he is a devoted foe of the Adversary and a capable combatant in his own right, due to his years of experience fighting giants. He can also have true feelings for others (he asks Beast about Snow White and her cubs, he mourns his wife's death and he considered putting his own safety at risk to protect Gary when the Librarians had captured them and were having a car accident). In the series, Jack creates a film trilogy of his adventures to increase his popularity in the Mundy world making him "nigh-immortal". In his devoted spin-off series "Jack Of Fables", his nigh-immortality seems to be reinforced by other causes as well : he is the son of a literal woman and one of the most popular male Fables (making him a "part-Literal", which is equivalent to a demigod), and he has made countless deals with many devils during his Jack O' Lantern days. Jack is often presented as believing himself to be far smarter than he truly is and for a man who has lived a long time, has little regard for history (at one point, he compares himself to Sam Bowie and Hector and how "like them, I will be victorious."). The common thread is how Jack honestly believes he is the most important person around and only his needs and desires matter. Battle vs. Arturia Pendragon (by Elgb333) Prologue "Safe trip my King. And I hope you have finally found your peace," the last word Saber heard from the trusty Sir Bedivere. She laid down on the soft grass. Her breath slowly fading away, her eyes too weak to remain open, her body paralyzed to the single nerve, but all of it she didn't mind. She was the greatest warrior of her time. As such she feared nothing, even in the face of failure, in the face of death, she felt nothing but comfort and happiness. The events that happened in thar Grail War showed her a life beyond all the wars and politics. She thinks of Shiro again, the last master to have summoned her. She remembers all of their hardships, all of their sacrifices, and even their love. "Shiro..." she said as she slowly and finally closes her eyes. "Thank you for everything... and I... I too... love y-" "What the fuck just happened here lady?" A young blonde man standing curiously in front of her said. Her eyes suddenly opened wide in surprise. "Damn girl. You look busted up. I need to get you to a hospital fast." "No. Please... It's too late for me. Go away," Saber said with her diminishing health but the blonde man just ignored her. He picks her up in his arms while she struggles and pleads to be let go. Annoyed by her squirming, the man said with pride, "Relax lady. You're in the hands of the great Jack Horner. Consider yourself saved by the most handsomest dude you will ever see in your lifetime. And btw I hope you can give something back in return. A reward for this gorgeous savior. Maybe something sexual perhaps (wink) (wink)." The dying Saber tried desperately to slap and kick her dumb savior, for this man, this Jack person, is really ruining her mood right now. "Stop it this insant! This is my time and I do not want your help!" "Trust me lady. I recently died from the hands of my own son. Fucking writers tried to kill me off (Pfft). But I managed to escape Death (like I always do). You don't have to die, now that you're in the hands of the mighty Jack Horner," Jack said as he carries the King of Knights like a pompous fat princess, and proceeds to foolishly look for a hospital to take her to. "I said... let me... GO!!" Saber said as she slaps Jack Horner with full force in the face, which had no effect. Suddenly, a portal opened up right on top of them. Before they can even scream, they were quickly sucked into the abyss. They were falling right through a tunnel. Rotating and tumbling into a void, taking them into a place not one of them know. Suddenly, both felt only darkness and space for a time, like floating in pure soft air, before blinding white light shined infront of them that made them scream for everything to stop. That was the only moment they can remember, before opening their eyes, and seeing something these two legendary heroes couldn't believe. For reasons unknown, they were now sitting in chairs parallel to each other complete with flashy 80s designs and a buzzer. They were... for what they can comprehend... in some sort of weird Japanese game show. Confused to the point of ridiculousness, but discovering that they both have suddenly regained their health, Saber and Jack couldn't piece together everything before the spotlight suddenly shined in front of them, to which an image of a small white-haired lolicon together with a tall brooding man appeared. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen! I'm your host Ilyasviel von Eizbern-desu and we are here to formally start the 6th Holy Grail War! We bring this live in a special auditorium at the Fuyuki Public Gymnasium. You all know the rules of the grail war but today is going to be special!" An audience suddenly cheered the cute young girl which startled Saber and Jack. Bright lights started beaming and a sign that says "Great Clash of the Magicians! The Holy Grail War!" appeared. "You're right on that one Eizbern. This night is very special indeed. Due to budget cuts since this is all just a web-written fanfiction, we are hosting this game with only two persons and two persons only with no masters whatsoever. But this one is going to be special indeed." "Why's that Mr. Kotomine?" Ilya said with sparkling eyes that made all the pedophiles in the audience say "Kawaii!!" "Well, it's because we're having a crossover with a character from a Western comic book, and his name is Jack! Say hello Jack." Jack Horner can only smile and wave awkwardly at the crowd, still confused on what the hell was happening. "And now he'll be fighting our champion - Saber!!!! Both these amazing fighters were on the brink of death, but now they have returned to fight for us once more!" As the audience turned their focus on the once King Arthur, Saber was gripped with shyness and confusion on what was going on. It was a sight to see the bravest of all knights be paralyzed with fear using only stage fright. But as she looked at the people, she spots her master, Shirou Emiya, cheering her on. "You can do it Saber! I believe in you!" "Shi- Shirou... I..." Saber said with blushed cheeks and tears flowing from her eyes. Jack Horner on the other hand, can only facepalm at what was happening. Some very weird shit's going on. But as he tries to reacquire his wit at the surrealism that was happening, the deduction he made in his mind about the situation he's in made him laugh spontaneously. "Holy cowtits and baby stew! I think I know what's going on. This is a cruel joke. I'm actually in some kind of weird-ass comedic parody of a critically-acclaimed hentai game that was turned into a critically-acclaimed non-hentai anime that's filled with awesome battles and dialogues but also with mindfucking plot holes and history rapings! Fuck you Universe! You can't just leave me alone can you? You fuckwit!" A moment of silence took over the gymnasium. All of the people where at awe with the amount of profanity Jack Horner has just released inside the confinement. Jack proudly smirks it off like a chump and said, "Ahehehe. Sorry. I came from a very "mature" comic you know? I had an interesting life and this one's not that different." "Well in that case, let the game begin!" Ilya said with so much moe. Then suddenly, Saber and Jack stared in disbelief when a group of lovely underaged sexualized school girls, came in front of the stage, and started dancing some every weird "Rated M for Mature" suggestive dance in front of them. "Oh my God. This is an opening isn't it? Oh the HUMANITY!!! You anime people are sick!" Jack said. As the audeience watched with excitement, the girls started their dance, filled with sparkles, gorgeous movement and sexy hand coordinations. They sang the lyrics with so much moe that made the people crazy:'' "kimi to (hai), issho ga ichiban (iei), suki yotte motto gyutto ne,'' kimi wo (hai), atarashii basho e to (iei), hippattecchau ruranra! okurenai de ne!!!" "What kind of shit are you people smoking here?" Jack said after the girls finished their routine... Battle (No really) The host Ilya inserts her hand inside a box and drew a piece of popsicle stick from it. She raised it high up in the air and yelled," Our first and only battle! King of the Hill!" "What's that?" Saber asked. "Well in King of the Hill, our main heroes must climb over this pyramid that's filled with various treasure on top. Your mission is to climb that tower and prevent the other from getting on top of it as well. You must remain on top of that tower for over 10 minutes while also making sure to defend it from your opponent. You will be given all of your weapons and full powers in this fight. Whoever stays on top in the allotted time will be crowned 'King of the Hill'!" "Treasure?! Sounds good to me! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" Jack said with enthusiasm as he jabs the air with readiness. "Shirou... I am happy to be in your service once again," Saber said with passion. Both warriors aimed their sight on the very tall pyramid architecturally designed to look like those built by the Aztecs. Grabbing a marathon gun, Kotomine raises his hand and yells, "Players... ready... set... GO!!!" before pulling the trigger. Saber and Jack quickly dashed to the pyramid. The pyramid was extremely high, with four sides filled with stairs. Jack did his best to quickly catch on. All in his mind right now was to get that treasure he believes he surely deserves. But he was no match against Saber whose speed equate only to a god. As Jack observed, that lady dashed with blinding speed towards her goal; too fast for even him to see. But Jack's not going to let her win that easily, so he draws his revolver and fires a round. The bullet glances of Saber's armor, making a mild annoyance to the King of Knights. Saber puts her focus on Jack who continued to pathetically fire his revolver at her. But Saber, though unscathed by mundane weapons, is determined to win this match. Feeling something magical about him, Saber can't afford to underestimate her opponent. Jack reloads his revolver and aims, but Saber quickly dashes at him before he can react. Using her invisible weapon, she pommels Jack on the face, making him fall down. Pissed, Jack takes out and shoots his twin tommy guns. The rate of fire of the machine guns weren't enough to catch Saber, but it kept the knight at bay. Seeing this as an opportunity, Jack keeps on firing his guns while slowly walking towards the treasure. Undeterred, Saber uses her invisible air to send a huge gust of wind at high speed towards Jack. The Fable managed to dodge the incoming attack, but his landing didn't go so well when he losses his weapons in the process. Saber quickly follows with a quick dash using her invisible air as a boost. As Jack shakes his head back on focus, he is hit with a powerful slash to the shoulder. Blood from his wound sprayed throughout the steps, and though in pain, stood his ground undaunted. Jack unsheathes his cavalry saber and makes a slash that Saber didn't see coming. The blade slams into her cuirass that slid and scratched her neck. But the knight quickly counters with another slash at Jack's abdomen. Pissed, Jack kicks Saber off and ragefully slashes at her but his ordinary blade did nothing. Saber quickly rolls out of the way, and slashes at Jack's head, lopping off a small part of the top, before following it up with a graceful spinning thrust to the chest. Saber then kicks his carcass down the steps. "Hm. You're a sloppy amateur who don't deserve to be given a sword. I've seen children in my days fight better with only sticks than you," Saber bantered. She sheathes her invisible weapon and turns her back. "You are not worthy to fight me. Go home while you still have your dignity." The downed Jack looks up and shows the audience his evil grin. He surely didn't like what Saber said to him. With unpredictable speed he managed to catch up on Saber. The knight was caught off guard as Jack wraps his arms around her. The Fables' strength was too much for her and she couldn't get away as the man performs a suplex; knocking Saber on her belly and her head seriously damaged. Holding her bleeding head, Saber tries to get back up as fast as she could. But Jack puts his left foot on her head; pushing her face back to the floor. "You fucking bitch. Is this how you treat your savior?" Jack said as he readies himself to summon something. "I'm the one who's suppose to be penetrating you. NOT the other way around. Now you're gonna pay big time for that," Jack said. "Reality bending powers! Give me something... give me... my winter powers and magic beans!!" With that, Jack unleashes all the force of winter on Saber. Not even her magical resistance could save her as she was covered in pure ice. Picking up a small magic bean from his pocket, Jack drops one besides Saber's frozen body, before a gant beanstalk suddenly grows out of the ground and carries the icicle knight high up on the sky. "Oh no! Is this the end of our dear Saber?" '' The audience can only look at the giant beanstalk that carried Saber to the heavens. Jack smug at what a genius he is and quickly jogs his way towards the top. It won't hold her that long but hopefully enough for just 10 minutes. His wounds on the other hand, were already gone and now his eyes shine with the treasure laying infront of him. It was made out of everything that made the whole world expensive such as gold, silver, jewels and gems. And oh how it made little Jack Horner happy, and now he only needs to stay 10 minutes to win all of it. And with that frozen bitch (not the one from Disney) out of the way, Jack's got nothing to worry about. But the audience started noticing something. This Horner person has mysteriously started to bloat up and age forward. His eyes too now looked like those of a lizard's with an evil face and his skin turning very reptilian. It made them cringe with fear. But suddenly, to the joy of everybody, Saber crashes from the ceiling and lands in front of Jack Horner. Jack hisses at Saber, who looked very pissed off after what he did. Saber then closes her eyes before she was engulfed in a fiery golden aura. Her weapon suddenly takes form, with invisible air parting ways, and everyone finally gazes upon the magnificence that is the Excalibur. Jack didn't care, only hugging his treasure and growling at Saber. But not wasting any time, she quickly dashed in godlike speed towards Jack. As the Fable can only watch, Saber slashes Jack Horner by the shoulder, almost cutting him in half vertically. The Fable scream in pain as the force of that slash drives him backwards and he falls down through the steps. His blood painted the staircase red as his body bounced back and forth on the steps like a ball. The audience cheered on now that Saber was on top. Feeling victorious on top of the pyramid, Saber stabs Excalibur on the ground and does a knightly pose, as her eyes and Shirou's meet. ''"Great job Saber," Shirou said. And with her heart filling with happiness, she looks beyond the horizon as the wind flutters her skirt and makes her look like a badass. However, the celebration was cut short when an earthquake made the whole auditorium silent. Saber felt a cold throbbing sensation in her spine as goosebump paralyzes her from head to toe. She knows it wasn't an earthquake, but she couldn't believe what her mind is suggesting her right now. But to the horrors and cries of the audience, a dragon suddenly climbs the pyramid and slams its clawed hand on Saber. The knight couldn't lift her sword as its powerful sharp talons pinned her torso and limbs to the floor. The dragon made a monstrous roar that shook the whole stage. "This ends now!" it said as it took a bite out of Saber's other hand that ripped it away. Saber yelled in anguish as she watches in horror, as her arm was chewed and swallowed by that dragon. Her blood started flowing on the steps like a waterfall. Though weakened and shocked, Saber regains her focus as she desperately tries to get a hold of her sword with her other remaining arm. Using her Instinct A, she calms down and discovers a way to get rid of this dragon. Although she couldn't lift the Excalibur, she nonetheless unleashes its powers that covered it in pure gold. The dragon watched in awe as a golden beam slices the whole pyramid they're standing at in two; destroying it completely. The dragon let's go of Saber as she and the pyramid collapses, taking the treasure with it. "NO! My treasure!" the dragon said as it can only watch in anger as its treasure scatter and disappear from its sight. It took large amounts of her magic to heal her arm. But even though she was running out of magical energy, her determination was still there, but now blazing with red-hot fury. The dragon flew away out of the auditorium and into the sky, but Saber isn't going to let it get away that easily. Focusing huge amounts of energy into her Excalibur, she finally unleashes her ace. A powerful beam of golden light flew towards the unsuspecting dragon. And when it hits, a golden explosion filled the sky like fireworks. The dragon tried to roar in agony, but it was blown off and engulfed in an outburst. As Saber and the audience watched, a big burned piece of flesh fell down from the sky and into the auditorium, making a huge crash that again shook them. It was what remained of the dragon, now skinless and wingless, with huge parts of it burned and missing. But to the surprise of many, the dragon suddenly moved and tried to lift its head and legs. "That was only half of my power. Now you'll feel the true power of my Excalibur," Saber said as she again fills her sword with energy. The dragon watched carefully on what's about to happen. With a devious grin, its precognition allows it to see what's going to happen right now and later. So, after devising a quick plan in its head, the dragon, with a burst of strength and speed, turns over and whips its tail against Saber. Her attack was interrupted as she jumps out of the way. However, the dragon quickly releases a huge burst of flames coming straight towards her.'' "Saber look out!"'' the now worried Shirou said. As she hears the words of her master, her heart was filled with hope that allowed her to summon her prized sheath, the Avalon. The Avalon blocked the incoming flames from reaching Saber but the force was driving her backwards. The dragon puts all of its effort and determination to force all of its flame to burn her to a crisp. And it looks like it was working as Saber's Avalon started to crack and crumble. But inside, Saber didn't feel any worry. For her mind was at peace in the world of the Faeries, allowing her to reacquire her battle sense and mindset to get the fight back to her favor. To the surprise of the dragon, Avalon did its part as it tanked all of the flames it can release. "You've done you're best Avalon. Now to finish this once and for all," Saber tearfully whispers as her sheath disappears. The dragon was tired and cornered; it finally ran out of anything to throw. But in front of it stands Saber, and her eyes burn with feverish tenacity to finally kill it. The dragon smiled an evil smile, and it readies its stance to take on the King of Knights. Saber unleashed her Excalibur at full power, and charges at the dragon, who too dashed towards her with an open mouth. The two collided like two missiles. The force of the impact drives the people back on their asses as dusts fill the air. "What's happening Mr. Kotomine? Who won?" Ilya asked. "Shh little girl. Look..." As the dust settles and their view of the battlefield returned, all that was left standing was Saber. In front of her lay a naked Jack Horner with a huge hole in his chest. Jack, who looked almost dead, opened his eyes to see full view of Saber looking at him with fury; ready to finish him off if necessary. Jack smiles and winks at the angry Saber and said, "Oh boy. That was something girl. I admit I almost thought I was dead when I caught that attack head-on." "You ARE dead. Use what remains of your life to repent on what you have done." "I guess you're right. I am a fool. An idiot who's got himself killed. I allowed my pride to get over me and cloud my judgement. It KILLED me. Please, forgive me for the troubles I've done to you." As the Fable lay dying, Saber's serious face softens up and she gives the fallen warrior her cute and radiant smile. "Never look away, for people only do it when faced with their mistakes." After this, Jack finally closes his eyes and breaths his last. With her opponent dead, Saber turns her head to see Shirou climbing all the rubble to meet her. Both love birds looked dirty due to the events that unfolded, but they were happy to be with each other yet again. "Saber look out!!!!" Shirou suddenly yells as their reunion was cut short. Saber turns her head and sees a naked Jack, now fully healed, aimed a strange-looking bag at her face. It seems Jack was only pretending to be dead, and that he used his reality-bending power to summon his most powerful weapon. "Clickity-clack. Get in my SACK!!!" Jack said with a maniacal smug on his face. A huge vortex suddenly sucked an unprepared Saber into it. She had only little magic nor Avalon to save her now. She was sucked right into it quickly before she can scream or react. Saber was gone. The audience and Shirou couldn't believe their eyes. Jack Horner stands infront of them holding a sack on his shoulder... and totally buck-ass naked. All of the girls in the audience blushed at seeing Jack's magnificent jewels, including Rin Tohsaka, Sakura Matou, Caster, Rider, Caren Hortensia, Bazett, Irisiel von Eizbern and others. The poor Ilya watched in shock and curiosity at seeing a naked man for the first time. And Kotomine quickly covered her eyes with his hands to prevent any long-term damage done to the poor girl. "Now let's see here. Where's that guy. The guy I've seen in my visions..." Jack said as he scans the audience and scratches his head. Then he sees a blonde man covered in golden armor and riding a floating throne; looking very uninterested at what just happened and was busy reading motorcycle magazines. "Hey you! O Great Gilgamesh! Godslayer and King of all Kings and of this petty world. A servant request your humble presence oh great one," Jack said honeydicking the Archer complete with a grand posture and a bow. Gilgamesh instantly took a liking to this strange naked Caucasian dude. "What can I, the King of all Kings, do for you lowly peasant?" Jack, with again a smirk on his face, puts the sack inside a barrel and throws it up in the air, before shouting on top of his lungs, "BLACKBEARD!!!" With impulse, Gilgamesh unleashed his Gate of Babylon on the barrel. "This is my favorite game," he said excitedly as hundreds of swords impaled the barrel in all direction. "Is that even legal?" Kotomine said while still holding a traumatized Ilya in his hands. "Whatever. I am the rules," Gilgamesh scoffed. The barrel was struck on all sides and crashed on the floor. Jack then opens up the barrel and grabs his sack back. With magic words, he drops whatever the sack had inside. And there to the horrors of many, Saber's battered corpse fell lifeless on the ground. Shirou rushed towards her in tears, and as he picks up her dead body on his lap, the young man can only yell in grief. "SAAAAAAABEEEEERRR!!!!" "L-looks like we have a winner." Ilya said still shaken. "Indeed young lady. The battle was over the moment Jack Horner unleashed that weapon. Even though he was at a disadvantage from the start due to Saber's superior speed and hand-to-hand combat. He made up with the use of his durability and intellect..." Kotomine remarked. Winner: Jack of Fables Epilogue She remembers only walking on a road in some lush green countryside before Shirou's touch brought her back. Saber was alive, to the surprise and joy of many. She was laying on Shirou's lap as people crowd to see if she's still alive. Before waking up, she though that she was already in Valhalla together with her knights and comrades. But Shirou caressed her cheek that gave her the strength to wake up. "Saber. Thank God you're okay," Rin said tearfully as she hugs Saber tightly. "Uhm yes. Did... did I win?" Saber said with her head still ringing and confused. "Nope. I won this battle Say-bitch," Jack said with boiling hatred; thankfully now he's wearing some clothes. "Language Mr. Horner. You won fair and square. But let's just be happy nobody had to die in this game," Kotomine scolds him. "But what about the treasure? What about me? How the Hell am I supposed to get home?" "Don't worry we've already contacted someone to pick you up. One of your oldest friends I presume is coming to get you." Saber used all of her strength to stand up. Shirou and Rin plead her to stop but she kept on going anyways. She asked both of them to help her, and slowly with their assistance approaches Jack Horner and offers a hand. "You did well hero and I was wrong about you. You were certainly powerful and cunning and I would love to fight you once again." Jack wasn't known for his humility and simplicity but there was one thing that amazed him during the fight. The powerful Excalibur showed him all the deviousness and valiancy that he has done throughout his life; both the good and the bad. Yes he lived his life in selfishness and evil. He only cared for himself back then. It was his nature, his characterization, that made him who he was. The Excalibur showed this to him and it made him sick. But even so, he couldn't allow himself to be "him" today. No, he has to prove to himself and to his fellow Fables that he isn't all entirely this sociopathic. He must prove today that he too has a heart in him. "Yes. Let us do that some time. But you know what, you were fucking awesome back there. You were like Luke Skywalker multiplied by a hundred and mixed in with super saiyan powers and shit. Forget about Raiden from Metal Gear. That 'I am lighting the rain transformed' Kojima bullshit's got nothing on you. You my good friend... are one tough chick," Jack said. And the two shook hands; happy to have ended the battle in good sportsmanship. Then suddenly, a moment of silence has again took over the whole gymnasium. A man smoking a cigar and wearing a black badass longcoat walked towards them. His reputation made everyone in the room run foul with panic. "You're the guy calling himself Jack Horner?" the man said while puffing his cigar with a serious face. "Kiritsugu no..." Saber pleads. "Uhm yeah that would be me. The one and only," Jack replied. "You're that bastard that showed my daughter his filthy weiner?!" The man said with rage building up. His finger points to Ilya who was sleeping after getting tired of having repeated images of a man's dong in her mind. Her mother gently lullabies her but keeps a killer stare at Jack. "Ah yeah... About that..." But before Jack can finish, his head was suddenly blown off to smithereens. The man pulled a Beretta 92F and emptied the whole magazine on Jack Horner's skull. The people scrambled and ran to get some cover from the carnage. They all knows its bad news whenever Kiritsugu Emiya was around. And poor Jack was unlucky to be a victim of his wrath. The Fable's body fell down on the floor with a loud thud... alive but immobile. Kiritsugu, with a deadpan look on his face, approached the downed Jack and plans to empty another clip on his face. But suddenly, a huge gust of wind wounds his hand and disarms him. Kiritsugu looks at the direction from where it came from, and walking towards him was a man, with a cigar on his mouth, and wearing a brown trenchcoat. "Don't worry Jack, this man ISN'T going to hurt you anymore. I'm here to take you back home." the man said. "Oh Bigby... you make me... blush," Jack said with a weakening voice. Kiritsugu Emiya pulls out another pistol and aims it at Bigby Wolf. "I don't know who you are nor I give a fuck. If you're with him then I'm gonna have to kill you too." "Hehe... you two look like you're in a John Constantine convention... you do know Constantine is cancelled right? And Matt Ryan is... like... unemployed now?" "Shut up Jack," Bigby said as the two look like they where gonna have a showdown. Kotomine, who has witnessed everything, looks at the camera and proclaims, "It seems that a new battle is brewing up. While the 6th does have the least number of participants, it sure is turning into the best Grail War yet. Stay tuned for more..." Expert's Opinion I was really divided to whom I should crown the victor of this match-up. But after comparing all the votes I have to proclaim Jack Horner as the winner. Half of the expert's believed that while Saber is bringing in more raw power in this battle as well as the edge in speed and fighting capabilities, Jack on the other hand triumph for being the smarter and more durable of the two. What seals him the win is that Jack's weapons and magic offered a variety of useful and devastating attacks in this fight. To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here. Battle vs. John Constantine (by Manofgod) It was a cold windy night in the Western side of New Jersey. Its various citizens were asleep and no cars can be seen driving around. But in one small street in the apartments district on each of its opposite sides, stood two blonde handsome looking men. One was wearing a trenchcoat and smoking cigar while the other wore a white t-shirt and denim vest. It was the infamous magician John Constantine and the Fable rogue Jack Horner. "So.. this is it huh?" John said to Jack. "Ready to get your arse kick, you sack of shit." "Whatever man," Jack said. "I dunno how much Fabletown or the Golden Boughs paid you. But you ain't laying a finger on me." Both men sized each other up. Being smart people, they've made their own homework of each's identity and background. Both John and Jack knew how dangerous their opponents were and have made the appropriate preparations for this battle. John Constantine made the first move. "Here mate, catch!" he said before throwing his trencho coat at Horner. The trench coat suddenly became alive and wrapped itself tightly around Jack Horner, gripping and suffocating him violently. John then made an incantation and a magic circle appear on Jack Horner's feet. "Fiat bloody LUX!" John said before Jack Horner got engulfed in an explosion. But before John can celebrate, his trench coat returns to him, and out came Jack Horner, smoking but still alive. "Hah! Is that all you got you limey," Jack said. "My turn." Without any delay Jack rushed towards John and tackled him to a wall. He then started pummeling John in the ribs, sending powerful hooks with his superhuman strength. John violently coughs up some blood, befor summoning a swarm of crows to push Jack away. With his hands on his broken ribs, John opened a bottle which summoned a djinn. "Eat him," John said. The djinn summoned several dark shadowy tendrils which attacked Jack. One tendril grabbed Jack in his leg and started smashing him in the street. It smashed him on the asphalt road, on a car and a lamp post. "Dammit, get off!" Jack said before grabbing his cavalry sword and slicing the tendril off. He then drew his revolver and fired at the djinn but the bullets just bounced off of it. The djinn sent out another tendril which pierced Jack's shoulder. Yelling in pain, Horner grabbed a lamp post using his superhuman strength and strike at the djinn, which sent it flying over an apartment building. Jack then used his reality warping power to summon the Literal Gary, the Pathetic Fallacy. "Anything I can do for ya? Jack?" Gary said. "You look hurt, who did this to you! Imma give him a piece of my mind!" "More like give him a piece of your power," Jack said. "Use your powers to get rid of that building, and anything and anyone inside of it!" With a wink, Gary turned the building into a living monster which smashed itself into bits. The djinn trapped inside was badly damaged as well, putting it out of action. Jack then ordered the building monster to attack John Constantine. "Oh no you don't," John said. And with his hands, he summoned a magic circle which trapped both the building monster and Gary the Pathetic Fallacy into it, sealing them both for good. "Gary! Nooooo!" Jack said before running towards John and slashing him with his cavalry saber. John managed to dodge and grabbed his magical knife. He parried a thrust and an overhand strike from Horner, but the latter kicked him in the stomach that put him on the ground. With two hands, Jack slashes at John, ready to decapitate him, but John suddenly disappears. Jack couldn't believe his eyes that he fell for an illusion. "Funny that a wanker like you was too dumb to see that," John said. "Unfortunately I've grew bored with this shite we've doing. I think its time I get rid of you now." With his hands clenched, John summons a portal which sucks Jack Horner in. It sent him... straight to Hell! Sighing in relief, John started walking away saying, "Think Imma get me some cuppa. Bollocks, was that a big waste of me bloody time." But before he can go far, another portal suddenly opened fro the ground and out came Jack, now in the form of a larged winged dragon, together with a legion of demons, ghouls and monsters. John Constantine was visible and utterly surprised. "Putting me to Hell was a bad idea you fucking buffoon," Jack said. "I've gotten out of many Hells already and this one's no different. But it seems, Conjob, that you have alot of friends there as well. I've made a deal with them that if they let me out, I'll help them take you down." John backed off for a minute as several minions of Hell, with eagerness and hunger in their eyes, slowly crept towards him. John regained his exposure and yelled at the demons, "You fuckin' idiots! Ain't you all smartarses and geniuses. You think siding with that creep was a good idea? Go on! Come at me then! But fully know that if you kill me before anyone else, both God and Satan are going to rip you all to shreds. You know my reputation! You know what kind of deals I've made with other big named wankers..." And with that warning, all the demons fled back to the portal in fear. "Damn," Jack said. "That's one hell of a badass boast. But I guess the only person I can rely on is myself." In his dragon form, Jack charges at John, spewing fire at the British magician. John summoned a protective spell to block out the fire. The two were evenly match, and John knew that in order to win, he now had to pull out the remaining tricks up in his sleeve. He puts a powerful curse, the same one he used on the Empathy Demon, on Jack. But the curse it seems managed to put Jack back on his current form. Both were tired and bruised, but Jack wasn't yet ready to give up. "You think this is over you punk! You've put me into a homicidal mood right now!" 'Wait," John said. And then out of nowhere a woman's voice called upon Jack Horner. The blonde Fable recognized that voice, someone he used to know from Fabletown. "Jack? Is that you? Its me. Its Rose Red." "Rose?! What, why?" "I heard you were here so I came by. Oh why is it that wherever you go, trouble always followed you?" Jack eyes widened as he could not believe what was happening. " Why do you care anyways! Go away I am busy!" Jack yelled. "But Jack... listen to me," Rose Red said. "I came here to tell you... that I still love you. Please come back to me." Jack was left speechless by this. John Constantine then approached Jack and whispers in his ear. "Actually she doesn't. This morning I called her on the phone and I just played with her mind is all to make her fall in love with you again. I went inside her head and ripped every bad memory she had on you, and mind controlled her to get in here. It didn't take long before she eventually falls in love with you again." "What are you playing here, you creep," Jack said obviously disgusted. John then looked him in the eye and said. "Listen, I just want to get rid of you. I don't want to kill you or anything like that, and I seriously didn't want to bloody myself as well. I'm giving you the chance now. Spare me legs mate, and you can walk off with her. You don't have to worry about anythin' cause the spell I used on her lasts forever." Jack stared at him with doubt and eyebrows raised. After thinking about it for several seconds, a grin slowly appeared on Jack's face. "Well played, asshole," he said. Before grabbing some new clothes from a smashed thrift shop and walking away with Rose Red. John tired and with aching legs and ribs, rested his butt on the sidewalk for awhile and lights a new Silk Cut. Expert's Opinion John and Jack were both smart and carried an arsenal of very useful magic. While John was smarter and had better plans, Jack was deemed to be more durable, resilient and physically superior. In the end, both had equal strengths and weaknesses that the battle ended up in a tie. To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here. Battle vs. Blue Fairy (Once Upon a Time) (by Elgb333) ''The Adventures of Jack and the Blue Fairy in the Convent '' (A Fairy Tale for Kids) by: Hans Allan Christian Poe Once upon a time in a far away city, lies a cute little convent shining with beauty. '' ''Equally beautiful was its owner Ms. Blue, the legendary fairy of many stories. She sat on her desk, working documents in her PC. Until the screams of her nuns made her run out in a hurry. What she saw made her cringe, for it was disturbing and creepy. '' ''Right in their garden, laying in hamock drunk and sleepy, A naked blonde man was there, holding a bottle of sherry. It was the dirtbag Jack Horner, here to cause trouble may he be. “Swine, who’re you and what’re you doing here?!” she asked with authority. '' ''He only smirked saying, “Lady you don’t wanna know. Shit was crazy.” The blonde man further explained, saying he was with whores in a party, They were roleplaying as nuns he said, and ended in a real place of holy. Scumbag he was though, Jack did say he was sorry. '' ''But as he got dressed, and ready to leave peacefully, Blue grabbed her wand, not wanting him yet to flee. She says this place is secret, and must be erased from his memory. But Jack only told her to piss off, he ain’t having any sorcery, '' ''So Blue had no choice, and she sent forth a ball of energy. Jack dropped to the ground, drew his pistol and was very angry, As bullets flew, Blue dipped and turned herself tiny. As Jack shoots and Blue swerves away, '' ''The Fable grabbed his sword and swung with rage. But Blue turned herself invisible much to Jack’s dismay, And then suddenly Jack was struck, with Blue’s magic paralysis. “I can’t move you bitch, let me go!” he said. Blue just laughs, “That’s what assholes get, for troubles you’ve made.” '' ''Jack thought fast and with his powers, bended reality. '' ''As Blue laughed, bags of gold fell on her, making her head painfully achey. Jack was let go, and charged at Blue while she’s dizzy, '' ''Blue tried to block his sword with an axe, but she failed miserably. She got a direct slash at her shoulder, drawing blood painfully, So she conjured another spell which made Jack age rapidly. “Dammit what is this now! You crazy hag!” '' ''“Hush now old man, no need to be grumpy xD” But old Jack just punched Blue in the jaw squarely, And Jack was struck away by a spell courtesy of the fairy. The old Jack got up, but something strange was happening, '' ''The bags of gold coin he summoned, was changing him drastically. He summoned more gold coins to make the process more hasty, And as Blue watched in horror, a giant dragon appeared that was so scary. The dragon breathed fire and tried to roast Blue crispily, '' ''Blue flew in high speeds, dodging it frantically. The dragon continued to attack with his claws and giant teeth, But Blue had the perfect spell to stop the dragon in its feet. Using her spells, Blue changed him back to a human being. '' ''Surprised was Jack, of Blue’s powers of transforming, Turning a dragon back for her is just so easy, For she can turn a puppet to a real boy in just a jiffy. '' But Blue wasn’t finish, and she summoned Hrunting,'' A wild swing from her, lopped Jack’s temple very cleanly. Jack tried to fight back with his own saber from the army, And using his super strength, disarmed and shoved Blue featly. Jack summoned something again, and a burlap sack came magically. '' ''But before he can use it, Blue saw the weapon and retaliated swiftly. Teleporting his weapon away, making Jack curse with such vulgarity. Both were having enough, and just want to deal with it quickly. Jack again summons something, his friend Gary the Pathetic Fallacy. '' ''“Eya Jack! What can I do for ya, my old buddy?” “Gary hurry dammit, I'm getting fucked by this lady!” And then the whole convent turned into a monster, to get them out of this jammy. The monster charged into a shocked Blue, who was staring awkardly, But the fairy managed to erect a forcefield split-lickety. But more monsters came out and were charging forcefully, She couldn’t hold much longer, and alas they destroyed her smashingly. Moral of this story kids: Never pick a fight with peers of higher authority. '' ''For we have powers that would crush you like a… well a small fairy. Thanks for voting for me, Jack, you lonely weebs I pity, Don’t you fucking mess with me, for I will rip you without fucking mercy. Expert's Opinion Experts believed that while the Blue Fairy had the tools and magic needed to take Jack out of the battle, the Fable's magic was just too much for her. It also doesn't help that her weaknesses are far more damaging than Jack's own weaknesses. To see the original battle, weapons, and votes, click here. Category:Fictional Warriors Category:Comic Book Warriors Category:DC Comics Warriors Category:Fantasy Warriors Category:Magic Warriors Category:Super-Human Warriors Category:North American Warriors Category:Warriors